Chronicle of Sleepless Nights
This is the first of a multipart series. In subsequent posts I will be sharing the story of my year of sleep problems and the path I found to sleeping well again.
Sometime during the winter of 2016 I hit rock bottom. After struggling with chronic insomnia for several months I was so exhausted and depressed I considered what it would be like to end my life. Everything seemed to hurt. I was desperate for a good night’s sleep, but did not believe I would ever sleep “normally” again. I could not imagine going to bed at night and falling asleep easily. Nor could I see myself waking up in the morning feeling rested. I was terrified of living the rest of my life with the anxiety and pain that sleeplessness was causing me. I had given up hope of ever having a happy and healthy life again, something I had taken for granted until this time.
When did it begin? When I was 65 I stopped sleeping. Well, not really. But I developed chronic sleep problems that disrupted my life in ways I could never have imagined. This is the story of my quest to learn why I had sleep problems and how I finally overcame them. During the period of a year I consulted with several different medical and healthcare practitioners and as a result, tried many medications, supplements, and therapies. After a few detours and times of despair, I finally found a path out of the darkness. I learned that there is not a quick fix for insomnia. Instead, learning to sleep again takes time, patience, and changes to one’s life and routines. Challenging as the journey was, I learned valuable lessons about myself and my life. I think I have become a better person and a happier one because of this experience.
My chronicle involves a web of people, diagnoses, attempted solutions, insights, frustrations, and feelings that ranged from hope to hopelessness. In this story I describe the different components of my journey and how ultimately, they led me to a solution and a better life. There is not a magical ending where I started sleeping again and the problems ended forever. This was the solution I kept hoping for, but it did not happen.
Instead, the gift of sleeping well slowly returned to me, as a result of all I learned and tried to put into practice. I have to admit that to this day, when I don’t fall asleep easily at night, anxiety looms and taunts me. Are the sleep problems returning? So far, since surviving my year of sleep problems, I have only had a few bouts of insomnia, and mostly, I sleep well each night. But I have learned how to handle those nights of possible insomnia, so that now, they do not interfere with the quality of my life nor my feelings of wellbeing.
Many people have sleep problems as they reach their mid to late sixties, as I was often told. And many start to take medications to help them sleep, becoming dependent on these drugs. If I had found drugs effective, I would probably still be taking a nightly pill and that would have been the end of the story. But my life never seems to include easy solutions, and the drugs never worked for me, causing me to keep searching for a way to end my insomnia. My symptoms became worse and my quality of life decreased. But I now see that I needed to go through this experience to grow, learn, and come to a new chapter of my life. More about that later. For now I will just confirm that as I have read, suffering builds character, and often teaches us lessons we need to learn. It took me a long time to realize this and to open my eyes and heart to the lessons I needed to learn.
Each person is unique, and sleep comes to or eludes us in different ways and for different reasons. Many people deal with insomnia by accepting it and learning to live with less sleep. They don’t complain or let it ruin their lives. In looking back at my own story, I could not, or would not, accept living with only a few hours of sleep on average per night. I believed there was a problem I could identify and I needed to know what the problem was and how to fix it. As I became more and more tired, I became more anxious and impatient. I felt that the suffering I experienced was worse than any other suffering had experience in my life. Perhaps if I hadn’t had such a hard time, I might not have kept searching for solutions and eventually found the path back to good, healthy sleep.
My story will not offer you a “one size fits all” solution to your sleep problems, but I hope to suggest some paths to explore that may help you on your challenge to finding a way to overcome insomnia. I would like to be able to help you get through the difficult process with more patience and less anxiety than I experienced. I am happy to report that four years after my worst period of sleep problems, I go to bed at night, and most often fall asleep. I do wake up during the night, but fall back to sleep. When I get out of bed in the morning, I usually feel rested, something I now value and appreciate each day. I never imagined I would regain the ability to sleep. I am profoundly grateful.
While I experienced the effects of chronic insomnia, I searched for lessons and meaning in the suffering I was experiencing. Having lost my central vision at age 51, I used to tell myself that I had already had a major health problem to deal with, and maybe I would not have to face another. And yet, like my experience with losing my sight, I did learn from the period of insomnia. My heart expanded with compassion for others who suffer. I healed wounds from the past, built bridges to people from whom I was estranged, and asked for and gave forgiveness. I developed deep gratitude and appreciation for those who stayed by me, checking in, offering their love and compassion. And I realized it was time to let go of my once glorious career, and move on to the next phase of my life.
As I write this story, I am aware that I am fortunate to be living a rich and happy life, full of love, activity, and adventure. Would I be this happy and fulfilled had I not suffered so much? As Buddhist teachers say, without suffering there can be no happiness. It is reaching that end of suffering that allows us to truly experience the gifts life has given us.
Over the next few weeks, I will share what I learned about causes of insomnia, approaches to overcoming sleep problems, and ways to examine and question your life that may shed light on why you are not sleeping. I will then share the story of my own journey: the different doctors and practitioners I consulted, the treatments and medications I tried, the scary times, and the solutions I found that worked for me. I will also share the lessons learned along the way.
